What To Do When You ‘Literally Can’t Even’

Oh my god, that’s so funny. I, like, literally can’t even right now.

How about now? Can you literally even now? … What about now? Now? Also, since when is even even a verb?

I like to tell myself that the annoying, but oh so appropriate phrase literally can’t even is a shorthand version of I can’t even take it. I’m not sure where the literally part came from, but it still seems to fit quite nicely (to my dismay and concern). My best friend and I started using it ironically since, if you think about it, it doesn’t make much sense. But the more we said it, the more we began finding ourselves using it as appropriately as it was intended to be used- on those occasions when something is so funny, you’re unsure how to react other than to uncontrollably laugh. Ergo, when something is so humorous that you [literally] can’t even take it. (Or, alternately, you [literally] can’t even react.)

I’ve always advocated in favor of the complete obliteration of this phrase from the English language, as it doesn’t tend to bode well for its user’s intelligence. So what do you do when you literally can’t even? Do you try to shift gears and attempt to literally odd? How do you do that? Is it easy? Is it painful? It sounds kind of tedious. It also sounds rather mathematical, in which case I want nothing to do with it.

Pray tell, is there anybody out there that CAN literally even? What’s your secret? How’s it done? Any advice is welcome and greatly appreciated, as I’m constantly reaching an impasse when I can’t even. It’s frustrating and I feel quite unfulfilled. Let’s put a stop to this by uncovering ways in which you can avoid not being able to literally even, or things you can do when it’s inevitable. Pitch your ideas in the comments so that the world will be well-informed on this ever-growing epidemic.



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