Pro-Antagonism

I’ve been an antagonist

towards my favorite people

and even still,

memories of those instances

pour over me, thick and oily,

tough to remove.

I don’t like to be reminded

that I was a child once,

that I sat with legs limp over the edge

of my mother’s bookshelf;

frozen but watching.

It’s the growing process,

I’m told,

and while I’m forgiven,

I can’t seem to release myself

from the threshold

of preadolescent tantrum.

I wasn’t alone,

but that’s not my concern;

don’t these patterns repeat,

and am I conscious enough

to feel them coming on?

Am I mature enough

to slam the brakes

before they fail?

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Then They Will Know

With these accolades you lay upon me,

I sleep more soundly,

as my self-worth is upheld by the praise

of others.

I won’t ask for you to idolize me,

but I will not decline the invitation

onto your pedestal,

because then and only then can

the corners of my mouth

curl upwards in enlivenment.

A wilting bud at best, I am,

without it;

bent and breathless,

hanging in limbo

by the crevice of a broken nail.

Yet I’m revived at last

in your unprompted recommendation,

because then they will know

that I am good and I am capable

in the eyes of more

than just myself.

After all,

what does my confidence offer,

but an undeserved crutch

of approval?

Ruminating

Childhood is brilliant. You’re amazed by the simplest of concepts and able to play pretend so vividly that it’s reality for you. You’re not yet at an age where anything matters for more than a few minutes…no worrying about how you look, why (s)he never called back, deadlines. No anxiety surrounding overwhelming debt, or difficult tests, or which direction your life is headed in. Not a care in the world beyond your imagination. I understand it’s a stage, and one that inevitably ends. But are we really meant to pull a complete 180 and grow into these amoebic, money-hungry robots that live by rote and value the personal lives of others above all else? What happened to the beautiful nature of finding amusement in simplicity? Where has it gone, and is it lost forever?

9 Things I’ve Learned The Hard Way

Today marks the 8,541st day that I’ve been alive. That makes me 23 years and some months old. What am I doing with my life? Working a couple of retail jobs and trying to get by, like countless other people that I know. And that’s terrifying.

I’ve been out of high school for five years. In those five years, I’ve managed to try my hand at a college education three times. Immediately after high school, I attended CCNY in New York City for an academic year. I was 18, reckless, and enthralled with New York; my studies took a passenger seat, and by the end of the second semester I had failed every single class I’d registered for. The second time around, I enrolled in SUNY Potsdam for all of a month and a half. Before the semester completed, I realized that my fate was to be the same as it was in New York- I was going to run out of money and I couldn’t seem to secure a job. I withdrew and moved back home to save myself the hassle. Attempt number three, I finally reasoned that it would be smart to stay local. I studied at a community college for two additional semesters before realizing that I had no direction. What I wanted a degree in was still unclear, and so my drive and ambition began to lull. I couldn’t even find it in me to finish out the semester, and I stopped going to my classes altogether. That was in the Spring of 2012; since then, I’ve been languishing in a period of dormancy. The only thing I’ve managed to gain from those five years of indecision is an obscene amount of student loan debt.

To reiterate: I am 23 years old. According to society (and my father), it’s crucial to enroll in college immediately after high school, because otherwise you’ll never go. You’ll get lazy. You’ll enjoy the lack of mandated education so much so that you’ll fall into a groove and you’ll never come out of it. Believe me when I say this: that’s bullshit.

I felt pressured after high school to attend college for exactly the aforementioned reason. I really thought that if I didn’t go straight into it, I would never go. Maybe that would’ve been true. But if I’d never gone, at least I wouldn’t have upwards of $10,000 in student loan debt that I can barely afford to pay. At least I wouldn’t feel that I’d wasted all that time. At least my options would be less limited.

I really envy those who know straight through high school what it is that they want to do with their lives. They go right into college and graduate four to five years later with a degree in their field of interest, land a job, and the rest is history. Obviously, it isn’t so cut and dry. But unfortunately, I am not one of those people. I have a wide array of interests spanning the spectrum of creativity: I write, I produce music, I draw, I cook, I bake, I read. At one time, I wrote screenplays. I even dabble in role-playing game creation. Granted, there are a select few of these things that I am better at than the others, but they’re all passions of mine. How am I possibly expected to choose? What if I chose to go with a degree program in creative writing, but halfway through I realized I didn’t want a career in it? I would switch majors and prolong my college education, thereby accruing even more debt in the process. That doesn’t sound appealing in the slightest. My point here is that you shouldn’t go to college until you’re sure of what you want to do.

Sure, that’s why you’re required to take a variety of classes, just in case you change your mind. You may be taking up English Literature but you still are required to take classes in science, math, and history. It is to prepare you for the possibility that you might switch paths, and that’s OK, to an extent. But when it’s not okay, is when you’re sure of the route you’re taking. It’s your money after all, and there’s nothing more frustrating than having to dole it out on classes that don’t pertain to your interests. Even if you’re convinced that you know what you’d like to pursue, it may still change before you graduate. I had a friend who enrolled in college under a Childhood Education major; she initially wanted to teach little children. But by the time she graduated, it was with a degree in Fashion and Textile Technology- a complete 180. If you have the time and money to be able to change directions, then by all means, go right ahead. But if you’re like me, and you don’t, and financial aid is limited, then every decision you make is incredibly crucial. Note that certain fields don’t even necessarily require a college education to thrive in.

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And what if you make it to graduation, you finally have that measly piece of paper that carries so much weight, and you can’t find a job? I’ve heard several times before from waitresses or store clerks that they’re months or even years out of college, and they’re still waiting for a job in their field. I think if I were to ever make the decision to go back to school, I’d need to be guaranteed upon enrollment that I’d find a job within a year after graduation. After all, I would not have wasted all that time and money to work waiting tables. That was not part of the deal.

Now that we’ve covered potential educational deterrents, let’s discuss how emotionally draining it is to be aimless and wandering. I’m invariably unhappy with my life as it stands. Upon hearing that, most people would probably say something along the lines of, ‘if you don’t like your life, do something to change it.’ I see those words plastered all over irrelevant images on Tumblr and Facebook all the damn time. Golly, I never would have even thought to try to change my life if it weren’t going as planned.

That’s sarcasm.

You honestly think that anyone who’s unsatisfied with their life hasn’t considered doing something about it? Yes, there are people out there who whine and complain and have the means to do something, but don’t. But there are also plenty of people who may be in a position that doesn’t allow them to make any changes. More often than not, those types of circumstances revolve around a lack of money. I’ve been there multiple times, and I wish there were an allotment of unnecessary bullshit that could be expended. But there isn’t. Sometimes, it keeps happening. Most times, it’s unexpected, and every time, it really sucks. You just have to weed through the rubble and you’ll always make it out alive, albeit with a few less fucks given each time. Contrary to popular belief, when you’ve hit bottom, there is elsewhere to go than up. You could also continue straight ahead, along the bottom.

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Let me begin to tie up these meandering, loose ends.

At eighteen, nobody knows what the hell is going on. That’s the irony of it. That’s the age at which you think you know everything, but in actuality you know very, very little, about anything. In the past five years I’ve changed a great deal; I’ve matured, I’ve begun to care less about the opinions of others, and at twenty-three, I’ve finally learned to like who I’ve become. I’ve only just managed begin to hone in on an inkling of what kind of career I’d like to have. At twenty-three. That said, why was the world convinced that I was capable of making such huge, life-altering decisions when I’d just entered into official adulthood? I think it is safe to say that most if not all 18 year-olds are ill-equipped to do so. I certainly wasn’t ready, and I wasted a lot of my time because of that.

In the opening paragraph, I made mention of being terrified at what I have [not] done with my life thus far. Usually, when I am having a discussion about potential careers and uncertainty with a family member or friend, the response is almost invariably, ‘you’re still young yet; you have plenty of time.’ This is only true in theory. That phrase would have given me hope a few years ago. But when I hear it now, I disregard it. It seems to be universally acceptable to be working in retail or in the service industry while you’re in and out of school in your late teens and early twenties. It seems to become less acceptable as you get older. As you reach your thirties, forties, fifties, people assume you should have your life together and it’s frowned upon if you don’t.

Personally, the idea of having plenty of time since you are young is very misleading. First, youth does not equate a long future ahead of you. Your life could end later today, or in a week, or in 4 months, 2 days, and 16 hours. How much time you have on this earth is not a constant. It is a variable, and there’s no equation to figure out the value. Second, believing that you’ve got plenty of time causes you to use that as a crutch. You think, ‘that’s right, I am only 23, I don’t need to decide right now.’ But before you know it, you’re 33; ten years have passed and you’ve accomplished nothing. Then you’re scrambling and wondering where the time went. That’s an entire decade you could have spent doing something you absolutely love, if you’d worked a little harder when you were younger. I would rather be spending my days as a happy and healthy individual, and living out my passion full-time now, than convincing myself that I have time to decide and put it off. Instead, I’m finding difficulty in scraping by, putting on airs for the sake of the consumers’ happiness and being miserable. Nobody was born to do that. Some may be exceptionally good at it, but customer service and its counterparts should be a phase, not a career. I’m not saying that you can’t love it. I’m saying that it should be looked at as a steppingstone, and not a destination. (And I’m not referring to corporate positions. I’m talking about menial, dead-end day jobs in which you struggle daily to bite your tongue.)

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Morals of the story:

  1. It’s OK to wait to go to college. In fact, it’s better that you wait until you’re sure of what you want to pursue. Some career paths don’t even necessarily require it.
  2. A college education does not guarantee that you’ll find a job.
  3. It isn’t always possible to change your life if you’re unsatisfied with it.
  4. When you’ve hit bottom, just keep going. You’ll eventually make it.
  5. At 18, you don’t know shit. If you’re 18 and reading this, you’re probably rolling your eyes and scoffing, and that’s exactly what I’d expect. Thanks for proving my point.
  6. Being young doesn’t mean you have a lot of time.
  7. Jobs that challenge your self-esteem and ethics are not careers and are not worth it.
  8. Never settle for mediocrity; always strive for more until you’re happy.
  9. Corey Stoll is the most attractive actor I’ve ever seen and I want to have his children.

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Those eyes. I die.