Thursday

Moments like these are fleeting

but I can’t see ahead:

the fog is much too dense

and these shackles are a bit crippling

the way they keep me weighted down

Bobbing below the surface

where my vision is skewed, and where

I’m mere inches from clarity

but common sense is like a mass

hugging my vital organs

and I would do anything to feel like

my lungs were mine again,

like I had time again

If I weren’t so consumed in

my own self-pity

I might find solace in screaming

but my throat is raw,

and starving of words once again

A sense of expression that I’ve been without

for months again

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Shadow Suit

I’ve always known I had a very mild case of depression, but in the past month it’s grown into a sort of perpetual rain cloud hanging overhead. Forgive the hackneyed analogy, but I can’t really find the will to think of something better.

I feel spineless. None of my interests are even remotely interesting to me. Even blogging has become something of a chore, which is why I haven’t done much of it this month. I need to find my way back to my source of passion, and I have no fucking idea where to begin looking, nor do I have the drive to search.

For those that don’t understand how depression works, who may know me personally or not, who think depression requires legitimacy, allow me to list the reasons you’ll say I have no right to feel depressed:

  • I have a wonderful family
  • I have a Grade-A group of friends
  • I have a roof over my head
  • I have clothes in my closet
  • I have a bed to sleep in
  • I have food on the table

All of those things are true. Overall, I’ve been fortunate to have been given a good life. But a common misconception about depression is that it stems from something in particular. Quite the contrary is true, in fact. Depression is, essentially, a separate entity, and sufferers are merely a host. It appears when it wants to, it wreaks havoc; it doesn’t stop when wished to, or prayed for, or decided against. If you suffer from depression, you know as well as I do that you could easily wake up on any given day and feel like nothing. You can barely muster the strength to get out of bed; nothing appeals to you; you don’t want to talk to or see anybody; you can’t perform optimally in areas that require it, such as school or work; you have no appetite; you have no energy; sleep is the only thing you want to do, and you want to do it forever. Above all, there is no legitimate reason for feeling this way, so when uninformed people beg questions like, What do you possibly have to be depressed about?, and follow up said questions with comments like, You have a good life, it’s really fucking irritating and actually kind of offensive. Depression is a psychological mood disorder which those who suffer from it cannot control. More over, those who are lucky enough to not be sufferers tend to be ignorant and blind to the effects of depression. Not always, but sometimes.

Ever heard of Hyperbole and a Half? It is a blog that I absolutely love and its author/illustrator, Allie Brosh, perfectly describes and depicts what having depression is like. It’s a two-part post, part one of which you can read here, and part two of which you can read here. If you’re one of the aforementioned non-sufferers, I highly recommend you read it. If you are a sufferer, still, read it. It’s worth it. I promise.

Having said all of that, I’d like this post to culminate in my announcement that I am placing a moratorium on blogging, through the rest of the month of October. I’ve tried to force myself to post more often, but I’ve tended to begin writing, and wind up drafting these half-written attempts, simply because I have no drive to continue. But these pseudo-posts that are currently wallowing in my saved drafts will be finished and published at some point, I swear it. In the interim, I’m taking time for myself and to hopefully rediscover my passion for life, because without it, everything I do will feel mediocre and fruitless, at best.

Also, disclaimer: I am not posting this purposely to garner sympathy from anybody. I’ve got enough self-pity to hold me over until I come out of this. I hope you’re all having a better time than I am. I’ll see you soon.